People Know What To Do. So Why Aren’t They Doing It?

I have lost count of the number of people who start one of our sessions by saying they avoid giving feedback because they do not want to upset anyone.

Fair enough; nobody enjoys those conversations.

What always makes me smile is what usually comes next. The same people will then explain how frustrating it is that their own manager never gives them useful feedback unless they ask for it. And even then it tends to arrive once a year during appraisal season. At that point it is either polite fluff that tells them nothing, or a completely unexpected kicking.

There is usually a short pause as the penny makes its inexorable journey downwards.

I recognise it because I did exactly the same thing earlier in my career.

I avoided criticising people because I thought it was the considerate thing to do. I would notice something that needed addressing, say nothing, and quietly fix it myself. It felt easier, quicker and less stressful than having a conversation that might make someone uncomfortable.

Then a leader I respected pulled me aside. Malcolm, this one’s for you.

He told me he could see exactly what was holding me back but refused to say what it was. I remember being properly irritated. Why raise it if you are not going to tell me? After letting me stew on that for an afternoon, he relented and explained that the feeling I was experiencing was exactly what my team felt when I avoided giving them honest feedback.

It was a full-on facepalm moment.

I thought I was being kind. In reality, I was leaving people guessing and doing them no favours at all.

This is why the idea of psychological safety is often misunderstood. As I mentioned in a previous post, safety was never meant to remove challenges. It was meant to make honesty possible.

At PDW we lean into that. We film people having real conversations with our consultants playing the other person. Watching yourself back tends to remove the comfortable excuses people give themselves for avoiding the conversation and opens the door to meaningful, long-term change.

Most people already know what needs saying. Knowledge is rarely the issue.

They are just frightened of the F-word.

Feedback… that’s the one you were thinking of, right?

The irony is that when the relationship is strong and the intent is genuinely to help, feedback stops being difficult at all. It becomes one of the most useful things you can offer someone.